My dad has cancer. He has had it for probably seven months before anyone knew. He is very, very sick and I am a bit lost. You never know how much glue someone provides for your life until the threat that they may be taken from you is revealed. The doctor's cannot even tell us if the chemo will be a band-aid or a life saver. All I ask is for at least five more years. I cannot see why this cannot be accomplished. Just five more years of productive life. I cannot even think of life without my dad. He means so much and I need him some much. I won't know who to turn to for any of life's lessons or questions. Who will tell me how to file my taxes, fix my car or rescue me in any situation? My dad has always been there, even when he was not physically there. His presence has always been felt. When he went into the fields, as military men do, I always knew he would come back. Now I feel at a loss. I feel his loss. I feel my mother's incredible loss.
The saddest thing is that I don't feel I can be strong and that is what is expected of me. I'm not sure if I can carry on when I struggle to get out of bed as it is now. My world definitely seems a little dark and a little grayer. I was already in the bell jar before all this and now I know it is descending like a weight now (thank you Sylvia for the image). Shit, I don't even have any money or insurance to get myself straight in the head but I have to struggle forth for my daughter. It just seems like there must be some way out ....But I know I have not the luxury for such thoughts now - soon.
